It's Okay to be a Work in Progress
I'm not going to tell you how this blog will work. I'm not good at following outlines, and my life needs a little less structure (or structured chaos, rather) right now. I'm going to start by saying: words have always been my metaphorical comfort food. Either someone (or Someone) has comforted me with words, or I have comforted myself by writing words. So as you can imagine, writing instills in me the joy of a completed project, something that I created by myself that isn't a total failure. But lately, I've felt like I am failing in every aspect of life, even though I'm really not, and how could I succeed in writing? I didn't want to tarnish something I loved to do by allowing it to go unfinished, or just poorly planned or badly written.
But today, when I was feeling frustrated about many different things, I decided that I was going to write, and I wasn't going to stop until it was done, and then I was going to change the name of this blog, hit the publish button. I told myself that those few words on a blog pretty much nobody knew about wouldn't change the world. They probably wouldn't help anyone. But I wouldn't care. It wasn't my idea; I was inspired. Stress and worry has plagued my life lately, and it seems like it does every school year, when I'm strapped for time and not taking time to really live. I felt alone in my struggles. So I called out to my one Constant in life; my God. I really felt like He was telling me that maybe I could help someone by writing. Maybe someone does need these words. And here I am.
What has been on my mind lately is originality. People have already walked on the moon, built computers, cured polio, designed clothing lines, and someone has even graduated from Harvard at the age of 15. How am I supposed to somehow find this super-original way to positively impact the world when I don't even really understand metric conversions?
I have some really brilliant friends and when I think of each of them, they have this originality, this sort of flavor to their actions and existence, and when I picture how I act and react socially, within my family, and within my community... I don't think I have that uniqueness. I feel like I'm the one left out when my friends are taking super cute aesthetic pictures or celebrating friendversaries. I don't feel comfortable around cameras, and I didn't even really think about exchanging gifts with a person on the day we became friends. Am I a bad friend? Why do I always overlook these things? Why can't I be more photogenic? How do my friends manage to somehow balance academics and life, while instantly enhancing others' lives? Lately, I feel drained just keeping up with a text conversation!
As I was thinking about this today, I wondered why I always feel like everything I do isn't good enough. I realized that I have to stop comparing myself to others. I'm never going to be good enough if I compare my hair to (insert pretty blonde girl's name here) or compare my grades to (insert name of brainiac who is graduating at 16). I have a Creator who designed me the way I am, and I should remember that it's probably offensive to Him to watch me telling everyone (mostly myself) what a bad job He did. It's okay to let go, and stop planning, stop trying to make sure everything lines up perfectly. I can be a work in progress. I don't have to have this unique aesthetic that makes everyone instantly love me, because that's not going to happen and there's a good reason for that. I just need to be me; the Joanna as seen by the only One that matters, not as anyone else sees me. If I stop comparing myself to others and just try to live how my God wants me to, I can be more than just the Joanna that has to drop a class because of lack of time, or the one that started too late at a sport and isn't as profession as the other girls her age. I can be the Joanna made by a God that loves her and has a plan for her. In my eyes, I'm a mostly empty page with lots of mistakes. But God knows what will happen and He's written a story for me, just for me, that will be as perfect as an imperfect human can get, if I will only follow Him.
I think this blog is something that I need to do. I need to put the unfinished thoughts down, because even though words might not help anyone else, I know they're helping me.
But today, when I was feeling frustrated about many different things, I decided that I was going to write, and I wasn't going to stop until it was done, and then I was going to change the name of this blog, hit the publish button. I told myself that those few words on a blog pretty much nobody knew about wouldn't change the world. They probably wouldn't help anyone. But I wouldn't care. It wasn't my idea; I was inspired. Stress and worry has plagued my life lately, and it seems like it does every school year, when I'm strapped for time and not taking time to really live. I felt alone in my struggles. So I called out to my one Constant in life; my God. I really felt like He was telling me that maybe I could help someone by writing. Maybe someone does need these words. And here I am.
What has been on my mind lately is originality. People have already walked on the moon, built computers, cured polio, designed clothing lines, and someone has even graduated from Harvard at the age of 15. How am I supposed to somehow find this super-original way to positively impact the world when I don't even really understand metric conversions?
I have some really brilliant friends and when I think of each of them, they have this originality, this sort of flavor to their actions and existence, and when I picture how I act and react socially, within my family, and within my community... I don't think I have that uniqueness. I feel like I'm the one left out when my friends are taking super cute aesthetic pictures or celebrating friendversaries. I don't feel comfortable around cameras, and I didn't even really think about exchanging gifts with a person on the day we became friends. Am I a bad friend? Why do I always overlook these things? Why can't I be more photogenic? How do my friends manage to somehow balance academics and life, while instantly enhancing others' lives? Lately, I feel drained just keeping up with a text conversation!
As I was thinking about this today, I wondered why I always feel like everything I do isn't good enough. I realized that I have to stop comparing myself to others. I'm never going to be good enough if I compare my hair to (insert pretty blonde girl's name here) or compare my grades to (insert name of brainiac who is graduating at 16). I have a Creator who designed me the way I am, and I should remember that it's probably offensive to Him to watch me telling everyone (mostly myself) what a bad job He did. It's okay to let go, and stop planning, stop trying to make sure everything lines up perfectly. I can be a work in progress. I don't have to have this unique aesthetic that makes everyone instantly love me, because that's not going to happen and there's a good reason for that. I just need to be me; the Joanna as seen by the only One that matters, not as anyone else sees me. If I stop comparing myself to others and just try to live how my God wants me to, I can be more than just the Joanna that has to drop a class because of lack of time, or the one that started too late at a sport and isn't as profession as the other girls her age. I can be the Joanna made by a God that loves her and has a plan for her. In my eyes, I'm a mostly empty page with lots of mistakes. But God knows what will happen and He's written a story for me, just for me, that will be as perfect as an imperfect human can get, if I will only follow Him.
I think this blog is something that I need to do. I need to put the unfinished thoughts down, because even though words might not help anyone else, I know they're helping me.
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